Emotional Spring Cleaning: Letting Go of What No Longer Serves You

About six (6) years ago, I was a very different person. I was nice, biddable, and ultimately forgettable. I was as malleable as watery, vanilla ice cream.

It got me through a time, honestly. I was not strong enough then to confront my inner demons, so I kept quiet and tried to out nice Jesus. That was how I was raised. To be self sacrificial, to help any and everyone before looking over yourself, to put on the mask for a neighbour before even thinking about yourself. I refuse to blame my parents, they did the best they could, given what they knew and the tools they had been given.

When I finally decided to confront my first demon, it was as a result of shame. I was pissed that I had to learn that one of my closest friends, at the time, had gotten a study visa, quit her job, and had moved countries, from her brothers’ Whatsapp status. And yes, ashamed. 

Why did she not tell me? I wondered. I would not tell anyone if she needed it kept secret, I would wish her well and pray for her if that was what she wanted. Then I got angry. And I created the first boundary, if you cannot trust me enough to let me know when such a major life event, like an emigration is happening in your life, you get demoted from close friend to friend. I can’t be pouring into cups which could be snatched away at any moment.

I had had a taste of boundaries now. I wanted more. The boundary about food was one I had always had but ignored for a while until one disgusting person put his unwashed hands inside my bag of popcorn, without even asking. The glare I gave him? I requested the money to buy a new bag of popcorn immediately, and handed that one over to him. The audacity!

Frankly speaking, I’m glad that friend left in such a stealthy way and I found out from her brother’s Whatsapp status. Looking back on our friendship, it should have ended much sooner. I watched a video from the eminent Dr. Gabor Mate, as to why women have the burden of having most autoimmune diseases. It’s because we forgive too much. We take on everybody’s burdens as our own. We are sweet, polite, until the very end. Zora Neale Hurston said, “If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.” I’m not going to be silent about my pain. 

These days, my boundaries look a little different. They are stricter in some cases, looser in others. But one place I have to have strict boundaries, is in how I show up for myself. Everyone claims they want healing, but healing starts from you, and it starts out as discipline.

It starts out with you doing the work you’re terrified to do, because you know that it’s the only thing keeping you where you are. And I’ve come to find out that most of us, are not afraid of failure as an abstract thing. We can guess what we need to do. We can even take the first step towards what we need to do. But we are scared of trying. I have had years of failures. I have so many regrets. So many. I used to be afraid of taking the first step towards a new thing in fear of it not working out. Because I forgot that failure is not an end in itself, it’s just a reroute button.

I did what I could at the time and now that I know better, I will do better. So, help me God!